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Dr. Watson and Sherlock Holms were out camping and after a delicious supper of fresh fish, they went to sleep in their tent.

In the middle of the night, Watson awoke to find Sherlock pushing him.

"What's up Holmes!?" he demanded.

"Look up there, Watson, and tell me what you see." said Sherlock.

"I see billions of stars." he said.

"And what does that tell you?" asked Sherlock.

"Well, Astromogically, it tells me that we're in the planet phaze of Leo, Astroloically, it shows me Orion's belt, and the big dipper, time-wise, it tells me that it's about 3 am, Religious-wise, it tells me that god is bigger then all of those stars put together, and that we are very small and insignificant, and it also tells me that we are having a full moon out tonight." babbled Watson.

He stopped to find Sherlock glaring at him.

"So, what doen it tell you?" asked Watson.

Sherlock sighed. "Watson, you idiot! Our tent's been stolen!"

What do you get when you play a Country Song backwards?

You get your wife back

You get your house back

You get your truck back.

You get your dog back.

You get your job back

... and you get your money back.

An evolutionary biologist was teaching a class and one of his pupils asked "Professor, Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?"

The professor thought about it for a moment and answered, "Because they have such big fingers."

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Jaguar XK-8 in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jaguar.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, called 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. " I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are", he said. "You are so focussed on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

" My Gott! " screamed the lawyer. " Where is my Rolex? "

One-Liners

A man with two left feet went into a shoe shop, and came out with a pair of Flip-Flips.

When is a car not a car? - When it turns into your driveway.

A police officer notices a man stumbling out of a bar! After trying ten cars, he finally gets into his and passes out head first onto the steering wheel. After a while everyone else leaves and the parking lot empties.

The man wakes up and starts heading toward home, but not more than one mile down the road the officers pulls him over and asks him to take a breathalizer. The score read 0.0.

The officer exclaimed "I could have sworn you were drunk!", to which the man replied, "It was my turn to be the decoy!"

A man just found his dog lying dead on the road so he took him to the vet and asked if he could do anything.

The vet went and got one of the cats, the cat walked around and sniffed the dog. The vet came out and said "I'm sorry but there's nothing we can do".

The man said "Please try once more! He was my best friend".

So the vet went and got a black lab. The lab walked around and sniffed the dog, then the vet came out and said, "I'm sorry but there's still nothing we can do".

The man said "OK, how much do I owe you?"

"$250", said the vet.

"WHAT????", the man said.

"Well", said the vet, "Normally it's just $50, but the cat scan and the lab work cost $200."

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