The Animals and Pets Jokes Page

The pets and animals jokes page

Two goldfish in a tank; one turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Mama goat to Baby goat

"Stop playing with your food. Your acting like a child!"

Baby goat

"But I'm only a Kid!"

What do you call a Chicken that crosses the road, rolls over in the dirt and then crosses back?

A Dirty Double Crosser.

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the Shell station

I came home last night and the wife was moaning as usual. "What's the matter?", I asked. "The cat's upset me", she cried. "Well", I said, "It's your own fault for eating it!"

I brought a pig home last night. "We can't keep that", yelled the wife, "Think of the smell in the house". "Don't worry", I said, "he'll soon get used to it!"

I was just leaving for work when the wife yelled at me "Have you given the goldfish some clean water?". "Of course not", I shouted back, "He hasn't finished the last lot!"

"Do you know there's a black cat in the dining room?"

"I shouldn't worry, black cats are lucky."

"This one certainly is. He's eating your dinner!"

"Did you know it takes three sheep to make a sweater?"

"I didn't even know they could knit!"

"How do you get down from an elephant?"

"You don't. You get down from a swan!" (Elephant Jokes)

"What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison?"

"I don't know?"

"You can't wash your hands in a Buffalo!"

A pair of pigeons were flying over the local car dealer when one said to the other "Why don't we put a deposit on that Mercedes down there!"

I've been very successful teaching my dog to beg. Last night he came back with $3 in change.

Have you heard about the depressed rat. He flushed himself down the lavatory. Yes, he committed sewercide.

What's a polygon? - A dead Parrot!

"My dog's the laziest dog in the world. Even when I water the garden he won't lift a leg to help!"

There's nothing like your first horse back ride to make you feel better off.

I took my dog to see the flea circus. He stole the show!

Customer "How much is that Parrot?"

Pet Shop Owner "It's a bargain at $200"

"That's great, please send me the bill"

"I'm sorry. You'll have to take the whole bird"!

Customer "Have you got any dogs going cheap?"

Pet Shop Owner "No sir, all our dogs go Woof""

Customer "Is this dog pure bred??"

Pet Shop Owner "This dog is so well bred sir, that if he could talk he wouldn't speak to either of us!"

Customer "Remember that watch dog you sold me?"

Pet Shop Owner "Yes sir, is there a problem?"

"There certainly is. All he does is watch television!"

"Do you know how to shoe a horse?"

"Of course I do. You just look him in the eye and go 'Shoo, Shoo'!"

What do you get if you cross:

A seagull with a parrot

A bird that still deposits on people at the beach; but at least it apologizes!

A homing pigeon with a parrot?

A bird that, when it gets lost, can at least ask the way!

Grass seed with a Cow?

A lawn moo-er!

A carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?

A bird that can find its way home and then knock on the door.

A Woodpecker with a Parrot?

A bird that pecks at trees and then shouts "Timber"

Think you can do better? Sure you can! Why not email your joke for inclusion in our visitors section to us at jokes@makeemlaugh.com. Please email jokes with your name and state or country for publication. Please let us have you name, address and telephone number (not for publication) and your email address indicating if you would like us to publish it with your joke!