Marriage Jokes - Its no Laughing Matter

Husbands complain about their wives to their friends - here are some one liners:

Our marriage was a love match plain and simple, she was plain and I was simple!
The first part of our marriage was very happy, then on the way back from the church. . . .
My wife and I were really happy for 25 years, then we met!
There's only one thing that keeps me from being happily married - my wife!
My wife gave up sex for Lent and I didn't notice till Christmas.
Well, I can remember where and when I got married, but why?
I've forgotten all my mistakes - there's no point in both of us remembering them!
I've only misunderstood my wife twice, before we got married and after we got married!
My wife always has the last word in an argument, if I say anything after that its the start of a new argument.

Wife to husband:: Before we got married you told me you were well off ?
Husband to wife:: I was! and I didn't know it!

What did the wife do when she saw her husband staggering across the yard?: She shot him again!

Older man to young woman:: I'd like you for my wife
Young woman to older man:: What would your wife want with me?

Wife to husband:: I think I'd look good in something long and flowing
Husband to wife:: I could throw you in the river?

Husband to friend:: Do you know what it means to me to go home to a really good meal in a clean and tidy home?
Friend:: You've gone to the wrong house?

Husband to single friend:: Do you know that married men live longer than single men?
Friend:: Yes, but married men are more willing to die!

Wife to friend:: - My husband put some magic back in our marriage - He disappeared!; - I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my husband to the airport!; - I've never forgotten the day I got married - and don't think I haven't tried hard!; - The only thing my husband and I have in common is we got married on the same day!; - I know he's lying. His lips are moving!

Marriage:: - Isn't a word - its a sentence!; - Is a fine institution - but who wants to live in an institution!; - Is a good way for a woman to keep active till the right man comes along!; - Is a very good thing - but don't make a habit of it!

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage!

Every Man needs a wife: Because you can't blame everything that goes wrong on the government!

A woman marries a man expecting he will change and he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change and she does.

Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate during the night

What's the difference between a man and a woman?: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband!; A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife!

What's the definition of success?: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend; A successful woman is one who finds such a man!

How can you be happy in marriage?: To be happy with a man you must love him a little and understand him a lot!; To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!

Husband to friend:: You know what I did before I got married?
Friend:: No?
Husband:: Anything I wanted to!

Husband to friend:: The trouble is I met my wife at the local dance.
Friend:: What's the problem with that?
Husband:: I thought she was home with the kids; she thought I was out watching football.

Husband to wife:: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?
Wife to Husband:: I'm looking for a loophole!

Husband to wife:: I've put up with that intefering old hag for 10 years - your mother will have to go!
Wife to Husband:: My mother? But I though she was your mother!

Friend to Wife:: Do you think your husband is hard to please?
Wife:: I really don't know - I've never tried?

Friend to Wife:: Why do you think your husband is tired of you?
Wife:: Well, I haven't seen him for 5 years!

Excuses, excuses.....

"You forgot my birthday again!": "But how am I supposed to remember when you never look any older!"
"You forgot our anniversary again!": "But Darling, our wedding seems seems like it was yesterday!"

Quotes from the famous

Anne Bancroft (married to Mel Brookes): The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Rita Rudner: I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Milton Berle: A good wife always forgives her husband when he's wrong

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