I had a very sad life. My mother told the midwife she was disappointed the day I was born. But not to worry, she said, a boy had been her second choice.
The midwife said I looked like a million dollars, sort of green and crumpled.
I don't think I was ugly, but the doctor showed the placenta to my mother first.
My father was really pleased about me though. He called me Bill because I was born on the last day of the month. Then he rushed out to tell all his friends and we're expecting him back any day now!
I had really odd brothers and sisters. My oldest brother was really wild; my mother fed him with a chair and a whip.
We were always told never to hit each other except in self defence.
My sister used to bite her nails all the time but eventually my mother made her wear her shoes.
My younger brother was a very naughty boy scout. He used to help old ladies half way across the road and run! He got into trouble with the teacher for writing rude words in the school toilet which he couldn't spell correctly.
I was so popular at school everyone hated me.
It was a tough school. The teacher asked what came at the end of a sentence and the boy called out "An appeal". The school magazine even had an obituary column.
Finally I ran away from home and it took them six months to find me; well they just didn't look!
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