UK Soccer Jokes!

Here's some UK soccer jokes for you; the club insults are pretty general - if it doesn't insult the club you hate then it's easy to change. And if it insults your club - well its nothing personal!

Alex Fergusson is very worried about Manchester United players who seem a bit sluggish so he asks the teams psychologist what he can do.: "Keep their minds alert by firing off questions at them all the time; that's what we used to do when I was at Arsenal."; "Like what?" asks Fergie; "Well mind puzzles; for example, like 'I am my fathers son but not my brother - who am I?", was the reply.
Fergie went off happy with the idea but couldn't puzzle out the riddle himself and wanted to make sure he knew the answer so he called Arsene Wenger at Arsenal to ask him.: "Can you help me with this riddle", asked Fergie, "I am my father's son but not my brother - who am I?' ",; "Obvious", replied Arsene Wenger, "It's me"; "Thanks", said Fergie and resolved to try this out on the first player he saw, which turned out to be Rio Ferdinan; "Rio, a new mental regime we're starting; you have to answer the following questions - OK"; "OK boss - yeh fire away", said Rio; "I am my father's son but not my brother - who am I?", asked Fergie
Rio thought for a while: "Ah, don't know boss", he said; "Well go home home and think about it and tell me tomorrow." said Fergie
Rio puzzled over the riddle all night and eventually rang his mate Dwight Yorke.: "Boss's has set me a question I can't answer", said Rio, "can you help me?"; "Glad to!", said Yorke.; "I am my fathers son but not my brother - who am I?", asked Rio.; Obvious", said Yorke, "It's me"
Next morning Rio drops into Fergie's office: "Have you figured out the riddle yet", asked Fergie, "I am my father's son but not my brother - who am I?"; "Yes Boss, It's Dwight Yorke", replied Rio!; "Don't be stupid", snapped Fergie, "It's Arsene Wenger!"

So tell us, what terrible thing do you have to do in a past life to come back as an England Football team manager?

David Beckham goes into a pub and asks for a beer!: "Would you like a pint?", asks the landlord.
"No, Just one half them I'm off!"

The Manager was furious when he saw two young lads climbing over the stadium wall. He grabbed them by the scruff of the next and threw them back, shouting "You stay in there and watch the match till the end like everyone else!".

I always book two seats when I go up Millwall, one to sit on and one to throw when the fighting starts!

Having watched his side thrashed 6 to nil the young fan was sobbing in his beer. "For a minute I thought they had a chance. Then the game started!"

What's the least demanding job in England?: Official Scorer for Plymouth Argyle!
How do you get to be a half-back at Leeds?: Buy a ticket, tear it in two and give them half back!
Why have you started watching West Ham?: My Doctor said I should avoid excitement!
Why is Manchester United like a three pin plug: They are both useless in Europe!
Why is David Batty like a jigsaw?: They both go to pieces in the box!
How many Forest fans does it take to change a light bulb?: Like they have electricity in Nottingham?
How many Notts County fans does it take to change a light bulb?: Both of them!
What's the best thing to come out of Derby?: The A52!

The end of the season approached but the Irish manager was still optimistic! "We can still avoid relegation lads, all we have to do is to win 11 of the last 4 games!"

The team had lost by one goal and the new £3 million striker had missed an open goal in the last minutes. "I don't know how I missed it", he cried, "I could have kicked myself!": "Don't bother", a team mate replied, "you'd probably miss!"

Snow White arrived back to find her house a complete wreck. She frantically searched the rubble looking for any survivors. Finally she heard a little voice shouting "Chelsea for the Cup, Chelsea for the Cup!": "Ah good", she said, "At least Dopey's OK"

"I wish I'd bought my piano with me", moaned the supporter.: "What, bring a piano to a football match? Why?"
"I left our tickets on it!"

I went to the fight last week and a football match broke out!

What's the quickest way out of Wembly?: Southgate!

Mel goes into a building society to deposit some money. Whilst there, a robbery takes place, and Mel is knocked unconscious during the struggle. In a few minutes he comes round, but is still very confused.

"What, er, how, er, where am I?" he mumbles.

"Relax; you're in the Nationwide" says the paramedic.

"Bloody Hell!", says Mel, "You mean I've been asleep all season?"

A father and son were sitting eating breakfast. The fathers newspaper had the headline "Van Gogh sold for £8 million".

The son asked "Is van Gogh worth it, Dad?",

The father, surprised at his son's sudden interest in fine art, replied "I suppose so, son. Why do you ask?"

"Well, Liverpool paid more than that for Collymore, and he was crap"

A Manchester United scout returns from Bosnia raving about a new teenage superstar he's seen in the war torn country. He sounds so good that Alex Fergusson, desperate to make sure no one else sign him up first, signs the boy without looking at him for himself.

The boy arrives in Manchester for Saturday's game, and is on the bench. With ten minutes to go Andy Cole gets injured and is stretchered off. Fergusson points to the new Bosnian boy: "This is your big chance, son. Go out there and do the business for us".

The lad strips off his shell suit and takes to the pitch. In those dying minutes he's a revelation, scoring a hat trick. The crowd goes mad. After the game Fergusson gives the new boy a big hug in the changing room. "Great first performance son. Go and give your parents a ring at home. They'll be so proud of you. You can use the phone in my office".

The lad goes into the boss's office and rings his Mum. "Mum, I've just had the best debut ever; I scored a hat-trick!... What's the matter, you don't sound very happy? Why are you crying? Is everything okay?"

"No, son, today has been the worst yet. Your dad has been shot, they've raped your sister, and the house has been burnt to the ground."

"God, Mum, that's terrible; I'm really sorry"

"So you should be. It was your idea for all of us to move to Manchester!"

A Forest fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a Genie who says "I am the football genie. I will grant you 3 wishes, and everything you wish for you shall get, but every Manchester United fan will get twice what you wish for."

"Fair enough", says the man." I wish for 1 million quid."

"You understand that every one of the scum will receive £2 million?"

"Yep, I can live with that" And, lo and behold, there appears a case of £50 notes.

"Now I wish for Forest to win the European Cup for 10 years running"

"You understand that this means Manchester United will win the European Cup 20 years running?"

"Yep, I can live with that" And, lo and behold, there appears a sports almanac from the year 2050 showing the English dominance of the European Cup

"And what is your third and final wish", said the Genie

After some thought the Forest fan replies: "I'd like to give a kidney transplant......"

Three very old football fans are in a church, praying. The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will England next win the World Cup?"

And the Good Lord replies, "In ten years time"

"But I'll be dead by then", says the first man.

The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Forest next win the European Cup?".

And the Good Lord answers, "In fifteen years time".

"But I'll be dead by then", says the second man.

The third one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Derby win the Premier League?".

And the Good Lord answers, "I'll be dead by then!"

What football commentator's really said!

If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal.": Jimmy Hill (soccer commentator), BBC TV
"It's like learning to play golf. Just when you think you've cracked it, they move the goal posts.": Adrian Love, Southern Counties Radio
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.": Metro Radio

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