So tell us, what terrible thing do you have to do in a past life to come back as an England Football team manager?
The Manager was furious when he saw two young lads climbing over the stadium wall. He grabbed them by the scruff of the next and threw them back, shouting "You stay in there and watch the match till the end like everyone else!".
I always book two seats when I go up Millwall, one to sit on and one to throw when the fighting starts!
Having watched his side thrashed 6 to nil the young fan was sobbing in his beer. "For a minute I thought they had a chance. Then the game started!"
The end of the season approached but the Irish manager was still optimistic! "We can still avoid relegation lads, all we have to do is to win 11 of the last 4 games!"
I went to the fight last week and a football match broke out!
Mel goes into a building society to deposit some money. Whilst there, a robbery takes place, and Mel is knocked unconscious during the struggle. In a few minutes he comes round, but is still very confused.
"What, er, how, er, where am I?" he mumbles.
"Relax; you're in the Nationwide" says the paramedic.
"Bloody Hell!", says Mel, "You mean I've been asleep all season?"
A father and son were sitting eating breakfast. The fathers newspaper had the headline "Van Gogh sold for £8 million".
The son asked "Is van Gogh worth it, Dad?",
The father, surprised at his son's sudden interest in fine art, replied "I suppose so, son. Why do you ask?"
"Well, Liverpool paid more than that for Collymore, and he was crap"
A Manchester United scout returns from Bosnia raving about a new teenage superstar he's seen in the war torn country. He sounds so good that Alex Fergusson, desperate to make sure no one else sign him up first, signs the boy without looking at him for himself.
The boy arrives in Manchester for Saturday's game, and is on the bench. With ten minutes to go Andy Cole gets injured and is stretchered off. Fergusson points to the new Bosnian boy: "This is your big chance, son. Go out there and do the business for us".
The lad strips off his shell suit and takes to the pitch. In those dying minutes he's a revelation, scoring a hat trick. The crowd goes mad. After the game Fergusson gives the new boy a big hug in the changing room. "Great first performance son. Go and give your parents a ring at home. They'll be so proud of you. You can use the phone in my office".
The lad goes into the boss's office and rings his Mum. "Mum, I've just had the best debut ever; I scored a hat-trick!... What's the matter, you don't sound very happy? Why are you crying? Is everything okay?"
"No, son, today has been the worst yet. Your dad has been shot, they've raped your sister, and the house has been burnt to the ground."
"God, Mum, that's terrible; I'm really sorry"
"So you should be. It was your idea for all of us to move to Manchester!"
A Forest fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a Genie who says "I am the football genie. I will grant you 3 wishes, and everything you wish for you shall get, but every Manchester United fan will get twice what you wish for."
"Fair enough", says the man." I wish for 1 million quid."
"You understand that every one of the scum will receive £2 million?"
"Yep, I can live with that" And, lo and behold, there appears a case of £50 notes.
"Now I wish for Forest to win the European Cup for 10 years running"
"You understand that this means Manchester United will win the European Cup 20 years running?"
"Yep, I can live with that" And, lo and behold, there appears a sports almanac from the year 2050 showing the English dominance of the European Cup
"And what is your third and final wish", said the Genie
After some thought the Forest fan replies: "I'd like to give a kidney transplant......"
Three very old football fans are in a church, praying. The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will England next win the World Cup?"
And the Good Lord replies, "In ten years time"
"But I'll be dead by then", says the first man.
The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Forest next win the European Cup?".
And the Good Lord answers, "In fifteen years time".
"But I'll be dead by then", says the second man.
The third one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Derby win the Premier League?".
And the Good Lord answers, "I'll be dead by then!"
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